1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
Ah, beer. The source of and the solution to all of my problems.
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn't brain my damage!
We'll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn't brain my damage!
We'll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
Find the Man in the Coffee Beans
The faster you find the man in the coffee beans, the better your right brain is working. So, if you can't find it, start worrying.
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